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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Leaps of Faith

So far, this semester has not been a normal school year.  Yes, I've been busy with classes and hanging out with friends a lot, but things have been different.  I attribute it to God.
At the end of last year I was asked into leadership with Intervarsity.  My initial response was "Are you sure?"  but after lots of talks with people that I respect and love I decided to give it a shot.  My only emotion was fear.  I was so scared to lead a group when I felt like I didn't have a good basis in bible knowledge or prayer.  What if I couldn't answer questions?  What if I looked like an idiot?  These thoughts were constantly in my mind.
I felt a little comforted after leaders retreat and as I became much closer to Daniel, my co-leader.  I began to realize that no one ever has it figured out or has all the answers.  As I grew comfortable with the idea of leading, the thought of gathering people made me shake in my boots.  I am not an outgoing person, at all.  Especially when it comes to religion.  I think I project my assumptions onto those I'm talking to.  I feel as though they'll be insulted that I invited them to bible study or large group.  They're not.
So, I never actually made a conscience decision to stop having these feelings hold me back, but I never thought of them after school started.  Me and Daniel attacked our dorm.  We met so many people in the course of a few days and starting developing really great friendships.  We continued inviting constantly, called people and talked to them all the time; we just didn't stop, and energy came from no other place than God.  It was incredible.
Then I broke.  Turns out you can't spend all your time devoted to a group of people and juggle school not including your normal life and relationships.  It was really hard.  I felt like I let so many people down and I was disappointed in myself.  So I let myself rest, but I didn't stop.
Am I completely exhausted?  Absolutely
Am I emotionally drained?  Constantly
Is it worth it?  Yes.  I have never felt so encouraged, so loved, and so supported in my entire life.  I have been terrified to do every single thing I've done this year but I've decided to push my fear aside and trust and I have never been so rewarded.

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